Every nine minutes, the American government authorities respond to another report of child sexual abuse. Child sexual abuse can include sexual contact with a child, but it may also include other actions, like exposing oneself, sharing obscene images, or taking inappropriate photos or videos of a child.

These crimes can have a serious impact on the life and development of a child, and often continue to impact them later in life. Learning the warning signs of child sexual abuse is often the first step to protecting a child who is in danger.

Signs that a child may have been sexually abused:

It’s not always easy to spot sexual abuse because perpetrators often take steps to hide their actions. Some signs are easier to spot than others. For instance, some warning signs might be noticed by a caretaker or parent and are often red flags that the child needs medical attention.

Listen to your instincts. If you notice something that isn’t right or someone in a child’s life is making you uncomfortable — even if you can’t put your finger on why — it’s important to trust your gut, continue to watch for signs of abuse, and talk to the child who may be experiencing abuse in age-appropriate ways.

Warning signs:

Physical signs:

• Sexually transmitted infections (STIs)
• Signs of trauma to the genital area, such as unexplained bleeding, bruising, or blood on the sheets, underwear, or other clothing

Behavioral signs:

• Excessive talk about or knowledge of sexual topics
• Keeping secrets, not talking as much as usual
• Not wanting to be left alone with certain people or being afraid to be away from primary caregivers, especially if this is a new behavior
• Regressive behaviors or resuming behaviors they had grown out of, such as thumb sucking or bedwetting
• Overly compliant behavior
• Sexual behavior that is inappropriate for the child’s age
• Spending an unusual amount of time alone
• Trying to avoid removing clothing to change or bathe

Emotional signs:

• Change in eating habits
• Change in mood or personality, such as increased aggression
• Decrease in confidence or self-image
• Excessive worry or fearfulness
• Increase in unexplained health problems such as stomach aches and headaches
• Loss or decrease in interest in school, activities, and friends
• Nightmares or fear of being alone at night
• Self-harming behaviors

This list may seem overwhelming to keep in mind when looking out for a child in your life, and some signs seem to contradict each other, such as being overly compliant or oppositional, or showing regressive behaviors or advanced sexual behaviors.

The most important thing to keep in mind when looking for signs of child sexual abuse is to keep an eye on sudden changes in behavior. Trust your gut and don’t ignore your feelings if something seems off. If a child tells you that someone makes them uncomfortable, even if they can’t tell you anything specific, listen.

Signs that an adult may be hurting a child

Keeping children safe can be challenging because many perpetrators who sexually abuse children are in positions of trust—93 percent of child sexual assault victims know the perpetrator. This includes family members, members of faith communities, coaches, teachers, and other helping professionals.

Be cautious of an adult who spend time with children and exhibits the following behaviors:

• Does not respect boundaries or listen when someone tells them “no”
• Engages in touching that a child or child’s parents/guardians have indicated is unwanted
• Tries to be a child’s friend rather than filling an adult role in the child’s life
• Does not seem to have age-appropriate relationships
• Talks with children about their personal problems or relationships
• Spends time alone with children outside of their role in the child’s life or makes up excuses to be alone with the child
• Expresses unusual interest in child’s sexual development, such as commenting on sexual characteristics or sexualizing normal behaviors
• Gives a child gifts without occasion or reason
• Spends a lot of time with your child or another child you know
• Restricts a child’s access to other adults

Taking action isn’t easy, but it’s important

It’s not always easy to identify child sexual abuse — and it can be even more challenging to step in if you suspect something isn’t right. Keeping a child away from the perpetrator may mean major changes in your own life, even if you are outside of the child’s family.

If something seems off, pay attention to that feeling and look into it further. If a child tells you that someone makes them uncomfortable, even if they can’t tell you anything specific, listen. Reach out to local sexual assault services providers.

Even if you were not sure but you have a feeling that there is something wrong going on you can always call child and family services and ask them or report anonymously.

 This information was collected from and is attributed to RAINN.ORG

It can be easy for parents to talk with their children about the differences between right and wrong, but it is often more difficult for parents to talk with their children about sexual development.

At a very young age, children begin to explore their bodies by touching, poking, pulling and rubbing their body parts, including their genitals. As children grow older, they will need guidance in learning about these body parts and their functions.

Based on the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) these are few tips to help you tell what normal sexual behavior is and what is NOT

WHAT IS NORMAL?

 These are normal common sexual behaviors for two years old through to age six.

• Touching/masturbating genitals in public or private.
• Looking at or touching a peer’s or new sibling’s genitals.
• Showing genitals to peers.
• Standing or sitting too close to someone.
• Trying to see peers/adults naked.
• Behaviors are transient, few and distractible.

When you see these behaviors, try to redirect your child’s attention to something more appropriate. Maybe say something like “grown-ups do this in private, you should do that too.” Always remind your child and encourage them to respect others. Reinforce it is NOT okay to touch anybody else’s private parts, as well as encourage them to tell you or a trusted adult if anyone has ever touched their private parts.

WHAT IS LESS COMMON NORMAL BEHAVIOR?

• Rubbing body against others.
• Trying to insert tongue in mouth while kissing.
• Touching peer/adult genitals.
• Crude mimic of movements associated with sexual acts.
• Sexual behaviors that are occasionally, but persistently/disruptive to others.
• Behaviors are transient and moderately responsive to distraction.

WHAT ARE UNCOMMON BEHAVIORS IN NORMAL CHILDREN?

• Asking peer/adults to engage in specific sexual acts.
• Inserting objects into genitals.
• Explicit imitation of intercourse.
• Touching animal genitals.
• Sexual behaviors that are frequently/disruptive to others.
• Behaviors that are persistent and resistant to parental distraction.

WHAT IS RARELY NORMAL?  

• Any sexual behaviors involving children who are four or more years apart.
• A variety of sexual behaviors displayed on the daily basis.
• Sexual behavior that results in emotional distress or physical pain.
• Sexual behaviors associated with other physically aggressive behavior.
• Sexual behaviors that involve coercion.
• Behaviors are persistent and child becomes angry if distracted.

RED FLAG BEHAVIORS

Parents also need to know when child’s sexual behavior appears more than harmless curiosity. Sexual behavior problems may pose a risk to the safety and well-being your child and other children and can signal physical or sexual abuse or exposure to sexual activity.

NOTE: the information provided above, was adapted from the American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) clinical report, evaluation of sexual behaviors in children, and should not be used in isolation to determine if a child has been sexually abused.

SEXUAL BEHAVIOR PROBLEMS IN YOUNG CHILDREN ICLUDE ANY ACT THAT:

• Occurs frequently and cannot be redirected.
• Causes emotional or physical pain or injury to themselves or others.
• Is associated with physical aggression.
• Involved coercion or force.
• Simulates adult sexual acts.

BODY SAFETY TEACHING TIPS FOR PARENTS:

Parents should start teaching their children about body safety between the ages of 3-5.

-Use appropriate language: teach children the proper names for all their body parts, including their private parts such as penis, vagina, breasts and buttocks. ALWAYS include lips as a private part because NO ONE should kiss them on their lips, even parents need to ask before they give their child a “good night” kiss. You should know that children learn from what they see, so if you as a parent respect your child’s physical boundaries (personal bubble) they will follow your steps and start respecting other people’s boundaries.

-Making up names for their body parts may give the idea that there is something bad about the proper name. Understand why your child has a special name for their body part but teach the proper name, too. Also, teach your child which parts are private (bathing suit area).

–Evaluate your family’s respect for modesty: while modesty isn’t a concept most young children can fully grasp; you can still use this age to lay a foundation for future discussions and model good behavior. If you have children of various ages, for example, it’s important to teach your younger children to give older siblings their privacy.

Usually, older siblings will teach the younger ones to get their clothes on, for example, because they might have friends over or because they are maturing and feel modest even in front of their younger brothers and sisters.

-Don’t force affection: Do not force your children to give hugs or kisses to people they do not want to. It is their right to tell even grandma or grandpa that they do not want to give them a kiss or a hug goodbye. Inappropriate touching — especially by a trusted adult — can be very confusing to a child. Constantly reinforce the idea that their body is their own, and they can protect it.

It is very important that your child knows to tell you or another trusted grown-up if they have been touched. That way, your child knows it’s also your job to protect them.

–Explain what a safe/unsafe touch is: Make sure to use the proper language. Do not use the words “good/bad” because although some touches feel good, they are unsafe and uncomfortable. You can explain a “safe touch” as a way for people to show they care for each other and help each other (i.e., hugging, holding hands, changing a baby’s diaper).

An “unsafe touch” is the kind you don’t like and want it to stop right away (i.e., hitting, kicking, or touching private parts). Reassure your child that most touches are okay touches, but that they should say “NO” and need to tell you about any touches that are confusing or that scare them. Make sure to teach your child that they own their bodies, that means that if they did not feel like a hug or a kiss, they can always say no and its okay to say NO.

This information was gathered from Healthychildren.org

Topic: How to talk to your children about their private parts and teaching them the proper names for their private parts.

This information was compiled with the help of Mark, CASASC Child Therapist.

A critical tip for talking to children about private part names is that the conversation should not just happen once or twice, but becomes incorporated into the language in the home. This helps create an acceptability of the words and limits the times they are used in silly ways.

Parents should pay very close attention to the tone, volume and cadence they use when teaching the words. When the use of voice is not natural and has inflections in it, it can teach the child that their genitals are not equal to other parts of their body, which may contribute to shame.

Parents should discuss if they are both on the same page about using proper names for private part names. If you are giving nicknames to private parts, but not to the rest of the body parts, that may signal to the child there is something different about their private parts. Some experts in this field support the use of nicknames when nicknames are used for many other body parts, and the child knows the proper names.

There is a difference between having your child be sexually aware and learning about sexual intercourse. For young children they should learn to feel good about their body – both the parts that people see and the parts that are private for them to see. A children’s picture book such as Amazing You by Dr. Gail Saltz or What’s the Big Secret by Laurie Krasny Brown provide visuals and language that will help the child have a better understanding of the private parts of boys and girls and some of their functioning.

Leaving a book for the child to read on their own may feel more comfortable, but it discourages asking the questions that the child will immediately have and may show the child you are unwilling to talk about this topic.

Timing can be important in teaching the names of private parts to children. Opportunities when the child has demonstrated observations about their bodies, parts and the differences of gender should be honored by responding to what they see and are a teaching opportunity.

Parents will notice that talking to their children about their private parts will create automatic thoughts and feelings that are hard for them to control. The following thoughts will occur:

1. Doubt in being able to say if right
2. Failing their child in these talks which will cause harm to how they communicate with the child
3. A parent will struggle that they are compromising their child’s innocence by giving to much information in this area.
4. Talking to your child about their private parts will lead that child to tell their friends and lead to their parents not approving of your actions.
5. When the parent goes to have this talk their own childhood experiences come back especially if it was lacking open and honesty in conversations.
6. Fear that when the child realizes that their parts will change as they age may be scary and frightening.

One of the best ways to teach children, is to examine your own automatic thoughts and challenge the fears that you are having and where they might be coming from.

One good tip for teaching their children about the names of their private parts is to, at the same time, teach them about proper hygiene. Bath time can be a good opportunity to complete both tasks. They can learn the names of different parts of their body, some of their functioning depending on the age, and you can add how they can properly wash their body parts and understanding why we do so.

Another resource that parents can depend on for the same topic is this book The New Speaking of Sex: what your children need to know and when they need to know it by: Meg Hickling, who is a RN who has been a sexual health educator for more than 25 years. Her ability to convey difficult material with sensitivity, gentle humour and warmth distinguishes her  as a remarkable teacher and a role model.