Tag Archive for: Education

Help, my child accidentally saw pornography online – Topics for Parents Mini-edu Session

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In a study posted by Shared Hope International, 42% of Internet users age 10-17 years old admit to viewing online pornography. Before getting too concerned, consider that 66% of these children reported that they viewed this material accidentally while attempting to access age-appropriate programs. This begs the conversation to parents and caregivers: How do we protect our children and if they do view pornography, how do we respond?

Parents sometimes wonder if their child will be traumatized from the exposure. While prolonged exposure to pornography can elicit negative emotional responses, the greater potential for harm and shame can come from a parent’s reaction. The best course of action a parent can take is to address the behavior in an age-appropriate manner, being careful not to overreact.

Educating your child on the risks of inappropriate, adult content online should include discussions on sexuality and Internet safety. So, what does the conversation around Internet pornography look like between parent and child?

1)Start early:

A conversation with your teenager about accessing online pornography is going to go a lot smoother if you’ve already established a language around sexuality with age-appropriate conversations in their elementary and middle school years.

2)Stay calm:

Being upset will make your child worried that they are in trouble. Stay calm and thank your child for being brave enough to let you know and reassure your child that you will sort it out together.

3)Just listen:

If your child has accidentally stumbled upon explicit content, ask them to tell you about how they found it. Ask them how they located it on their device. This will help you know how you can improve security measures. Find out where it happened, who (if anyone) showed it to them, how they felt when they saw it, and what they viewed. Remember, understand rather than reprimand.

4)Reassure your child that they are not in any trouble:

Avoid punishment. This will hurt your relationship. It will also reduce the likelihood your child will come to you about tricky issues in the future. Don’t take their device from them immediately or they’ll feel punished. That may come later, but for now, be calm and let them know they’re not in trouble.

Remember, your child may be upset about finding pornography, or if they were searching around curiously, even a little traumatized that it was more explicit than they could have imagined. We need to be supportive and understanding, acknowledging how upsetting it can be to see these types of things.

Once you and your children are calm, and are able to talk things through, it is time for the pornography conversation:

You don’t have to have this conversation as soon as you discover that your child viewed pornography. The first three steps, above, are for that conversation. The following ideas are the “follow-up” talk:

5)Plan your talk:

While it is tempting to have a big lecture right there on the spot, it is better to take some time out to plan your conversation about pornography and sex before you start the discussion.

If younger children have accidentally viewed online pornography, try saying something like: “I’m sorry that showed up while you were on the computer. Those videos are intended for adults, not children. Together, let’s find some better sites for you to visit that won’t show those kinds of images. Do you have any questions?” From there, follow the child’s lead in a developmentally appropriate way.

6) Talk about how they felt:

Did watching this make your child feel good, bad, safe, scared, uncomfortable, curious, or something else? All of these feelings are normal, and children should know it’s fine to feel like that. Most children will feel a mix of curiosity and revulsion.

You can also use this as a chance to teach about real intimacy. Did what they viewed seem respectful? Were the people involved both wanting to do what they were doing, or were they just acting? You may wish to teach them that a respectful relationship includes sex where both partners agree to what is happening (use the word “consent” and discuss it) and feel good about it. Ask them if what they saw resembled kind and caring intimacy or dominance, power, and disrespect.

Sometimes kids will assume that what they see online is an accurate representation of normal sexual behavior. After exposure, explain to your child that what they are seeing is not real. Sexual behavior is normal but online videos are staged and is not an example of regular sexual behavior.

7) Talk about sex:

You may wish to talk to them about what sex is and why we have sex. Discussions about love and intimacy are important. So, too, are discussions about boundaries, appropriate age and timing for intimacy, and other personal values related to sex and love.

8)Problem-solve together:

Ask them whether they think it is a good idea to look for those kinds of things on the Internet again. (It’s not.)

Encourage them to think of ways to stay safe. Answers might include:

  • Avoiding using keywords that lead to these kinds of images
  • Updating security levels on devices
  • Keeping devices in public places
  • Avoiding friends, relatives, and neighbours who are viewing pornography
  • Having regular conversations about what your child is viewing.

*For older children with more free access to the Internet, you may begin to notice a concerning pattern of behavior or perhaps a glance at their Internet history shows access to online pornography. For these children, I’d suggest starting the conversation with a statement like: “It seems that you’ve been spending a lot of time on your tablet lately and by the history, it looks like some of that time has been on sites with adult content. I want to talk with you about some of the risks associated with viewing this material.”

Extra Tip: Encourage your child to talk to you anytime about any questions they have, or anything else they see.

In a perfect world, you will have been having positive conversations about sex and intimacy with your children from an early age. A discussion about pornography may not have been in your plans, but accidental exposure to this kind of content demands a response. These tips can provide a useful springboard to further ongoing healthy conversations about intimate topics with your children.

How to talk to your children about their private parts – Topics for Parents Mini-edu Session

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Topic: How to talk to your children about their private parts and teaching them the proper names for their private parts.

This information was compiled with the help of Mark, CASASC Child Therapist.

A critical tip for talking to children about private part names is that the conversation should not just happen once or twice, but becomes incorporated into the language in the home. This helps create an acceptability of the words and limits the times they are used in silly ways.

Parents should pay very close attention to the tone, volume and cadence they use when teaching the words. When the use of voice is not natural and has inflections in it, it can teach the child that their genitals are not equal to other parts of their body, which may contribute to shame.

Parents should discuss if they are both on the same page about using proper names for private part names. If you are giving nicknames to private parts, but not to the rest of the body parts, that may signal to the child there is something different about their private parts. Some experts in this field support the use of nicknames when nicknames are used for many other body parts, and the child knows the proper names.

There is a difference between having your child be sexually aware and learning about sexual intercourse. For young children they should learn to feel good about their body – both the parts that people see and the parts that are private for them to see. A children’s picture book such as Amazing You by Dr. Gail Saltz or What’s the Big Secret by Laurie Krasny Brown provide visuals and language that will help the child have a better understanding of the private parts of boys and girls and some of their functioning.

Leaving a book for the child to read on their own may feel more comfortable, but it discourages asking the questions that the child will immediately have and may show the child you are unwilling to talk about this topic.

Timing can be important in teaching the names of private parts to children. Opportunities when the child has demonstrated observations about their bodies, parts and the differences of gender should be honored by responding to what they see and are a teaching opportunity.

Parents will notice that talking to their children about their private parts will create automatic thoughts and feelings that are hard for them to control. The following thoughts will occur:

  1. Doubt in being able to say if right
  2. Failing their child in these talks which will cause harm to how they communicate with the child
  3. A parent will struggle that they are compromising their child’s innocence by giving to much information in this area.
  4. Talking to your child about their private parts will lead that child to tell their friends and lead to their parents not approving of your actions.
  5. When the parent goes to have this talk their own childhood experiences come back especially if it was lacking open and honesty in conversations.
  6. Fear that when the child realizes that their parts will change as they age may be scary and frightening.

One of the best ways to teach children, is to examine your own automatic thoughts and challenge the fears that you are having and where they might be coming from.

One good tip for teaching their children about the names of their private parts is to, at the same time, teach them about proper hygiene. Bath time can be a good opportunity to complete both tasks. They can learn the names of different parts of their body, some of their functioning depending on the age, and you can add how they can properly wash their body parts and understanding why we do so.

Another resource that parents can depend on for the same topic is this book The New Speaking of Sex: what your children need to know and when they need to know it by: Meg Hickling, who is a RN who has been a sexual health educator for more than 25 years. Her ability to convey difficult material with sensitivity, gentle humour and warmth distinguishes her  as a remarkable teacher and a role model.

Body Boundaries: No Secrets Mini-edu Session

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Today I am going to be talking about body boundaries; what it means and how to help yourself and others learn about yours and their body “bubble.”

  • A body boundary is an invisible and personal set of rules that define what is a ‘good’ touch and a ‘bad’ touch and the types and amount of touching the child is comfortable with. These boundaries are important because they help with defining the ‘self’.

We all have a body bubble and most of the time we are not aware how big out bubble is. Some people’s body bubble is big and if you’re across the room from them, we still may be in their space. Some people have smaller bubbles where you can come close to them and they are not bothered.

Your bubble changes with every situation that you are in. For example, when you are sitting in your desk at school, your bubble has to be a bit smaller to accommodate the class size and other desks. But when you are standing up and going to the library, your bubble will get a bit bigger. If someone in the hall runs up to you and gives you a hug without asking, they popped your bubble and you may have felt very uncomfortable that that person has broken your personal bubble. Sometimes we don’t even realize we have moved into someone’s space.

The great thing about this is if someone is looking uncomfortable around you, or you’re in their space but they haven’t said anything, their body may be telling you to leave their space. There are a few signals you can look for. They may be red in the face, make no eye contact, their body is moving away from you, they are quiet or nervous, maybe an awkward laugh comes out.

As humans, we have to take queues from people’s body language as well as their words. There are people out there that cannot communicate verbally, and they have to rely on their body language to get by. So, as teachers and parents, we have to teach students how to read body language

I want everyone to know, you have the right to your body and nobody else. You have the right to say no to someone coming into your personal space. You are allowed to explain that you have a body bubble. “My Body is My body and Nobody else’s”

This bring me back to our safe and unsafe touches. No one is allowed to touch you. Remember your body is your body.

Here at CASASC, we will always believe you. Call, text or webchat with us on our help line and we can help you.

Help line:
1-866-956-1099

Next week we will be talking body parts.

Safety Network: No Secrets Mini-edu Session

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Today I am going to be talking to you about what a safety network is and how we can have one in our circle. Everyone needs a safety network in their life. It may not make be obvious until we are in need of it and those people. Adults have them and kids of all ages need to have one too. Today I am going to teach you about how to build a safety network.

A safety network is a group of people that you can trust and go to, whatever the situation is. They will not judge you and they will get the help that you need right away.

I am going to give you three categories of safety networks. I say three because three is a good number to remember but if you have more, you can add them as you go.

What I like to do in my classroom is to have everyone close their eyes and put their heads down. First, I want everyone to take a big belly breath in and out and get relaxed. If there is nothing you take away from this, I would tell you this is what I want you to take away:

First, I want you to think of someone who is safe and trusted in your FAMILY.

This does not always mean mom and dad because sometimes mom and dad are not always our trusted person. Maybe it’s an older cousin, grandma or grandpa, an auntie or uncle or an older sibling. This person is someone who you can go to for anything.

Second, I want you to think of someone who is safe and trusted at SCHOOL. An adult at school that you can go to and they will believe you if you told them something uncomfortable. If you don’t have a trusted adult at school maybe, it’s your best friend BUT this friend has to be able to be brave and go and tell an adult for you. I say an adult because they can get you the proper help that you need.

Lastly, I want you to think of someone who is safe and trusted in your COMMUNITY. Remember this person needs to be trusted to you and to others. Think of community helpers like the police, fire, ambulance, coaches or doctors.

With a safety network, it’s important to remember that sometimes the person we choose for one, may not always believe us. For example, if you choose your grandpa and he did not believe you, do you stop telling? No, you go to the next person and if that person does not believe you, you keep going in your network until someone believes you. Sometimes you have to tell your story more than once for someone to believe you. I promise you that where I work, we will always believe you if you tell us someone is hurting you or someone around you.

Please make sure in your safety network that the people that you have are trusted and will help in any way they can. You can have more than one person in each category to make sure if you need to go back to that categories you have someone else to tell.

Here at CASASC, we will always believe you. Call, text or webchat with us on our help line and we can help you.

Help line:
1-866-956-1099

Next week we will be talking about body boundaries.

Safe and Unsafe Secrets: No Secrets Mini-edu Session

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What is a secret: Something that is kept or meant to be kept unknown or unseen by others.

You never keep a secret about an ouch touch or a private touch, even if the person tells me they will hurt me, or someone close to me. I still need to tell someone close to me who can help me stay safe.

There are two types secrets: a safe secret and an unsafe secret.

Example of a safe secret: If I told your teacher I was baking your class chocolate chip cookies and asked them to keep it a secret. This is a safe secret because no one is getting hurt in the scenario. It’s safe for your teacher to keep and if the teacher wants to tell she can, and it won’t hurt anyone.

Example of an unsafe secret: If you were having a shower and a family member comes into the bathroom and strips naked and comes into the shower with you. Maybe they start touching your bathing suit area. They then tell you that it’s our little secret and if you tell, I will take away your phone and I will hurt you if you tell. This is an unsafe secret for many reasons.

First of all, no one should be touching you anywhere, especially in your bathing suit area. No one should be saying it’s our secret when they touch you like that, and you have the right to say no and the right to your privacy. This type of secret you need to tell, no matter what the person says. Most likely they will not hurt you if you tell the right people right away.

I know and I understand that it’s hard to tell an adult that someone has touched you and gave you an unsafe secret, but in this kind of situation, you need to tell right away. Sometimes we might not be able to tell right away. You may need to take a couple days to get the courage to tell, but you need to tell sooner rather than later so that we can help you.

Make sure you find someone who will believe you and who can get you help. Here at CASASC, we will always believe you. Call, text or webchat with us on our help line and we can help you.

Help line:
1-866-956-1099

Next week we will be talking about our safety network, the people that you trust and who you can tell.

 

Safe and Unsafe Touches: No Secrets Mini-edu Session

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This is a weekly educational series we are launching for parents, educators + caregivers to help keep our kids safe. The following info is provided from Bailey of our No Secrets education team. While this would be typically be presented in the classroom, we have adapted it for social media purposes:

Safe and Unsafe Touches

Today we are going talk about safe and unsafe touches.
You’re the boss of your body and you can decide who and when someone can or cannot touch you. Your body is your body and no body’s else.

There are three types of touches that I am going to be talking about today:
-Safe touch
-Ouch touch
-Private touch

Safe Touch: A safe touch is a touch that is wanted and fun. We like to give and receive these types of touches. Even with these types of touches, we still need to ask first.

Examples of safe touches:
o High five
o Fist pump
o Hug
o Handshake

Ouch Touch: An ouch touch is a touch that is unwanted and hurts. Unfortunately everyone has received an ouch touch at some point in their life. Think before you act.

Examples of Ouch touches:
o Slapping
o Pushing
o Biting
o Hair pulling

Private Touch: A private touch are touches to your private parts (Bathing suit area). This touch is unwanted and is bad. No one should be touching your private parts.

Examples of private touch:
o Breast
o Vagina
o Penis

The only person that is allowed to look and or touch to keep you healthy is your doctor. Your doctor has to ask first to look and to touch. If you are younger than 16 sometimes you have to have an older adult in the room with you. But its ok to ask for privacy.

Three-word rule:
No one should look at
No one should touch
and
No one should take a picture of your private parts.

Remember your body is your body and no one else’s. No one should come up to you and touch you unsafely without your consent. Even when someone wants a hug they still have to ask or their body language will ask for them. Please respect your body and everyone else’s body around you.

Next week we are going to talk about safe and unsafe secrets.

*Images from book Bailey uses in the classroom

TELUS supports No Secrets education program

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The Central Alberta Sexual Assault Support Centre (CASASC) recently received a donation from the TELUS Payday Lottery Committee for the No Secrets education program.

CASASC Executive Director Patricia Arango (left) accepted the $5,000 donation from TELUS Representative Marlene Duce (right) on April 13.

No Secrets is a personal safety program for children ages 5 to 9 with a focus on child sexual abuse prevention. No Secrets provides a forum from which children can discuss safe and unsafe touching, body parts including private areas, feelings and who you can tell.

The donation to the Kindergarten to Grade 4 sexual violence prevention program will be used towards program materials.